If I Had Known

If I had known the last time you nursed would be the last time,
I would have allowed your warm sweet body to stay curled up with mine a little bit longer, our hearts beating in rhythm and the feeling of your warm breath and the soft movements of your mouth lulling me into a blessed contentment.
If I had known…

If I had know that Saturday night would be the last time I would see this

and Sunday morning the last time that I would walk into your room and have you reach up to me with a sleepy smile and drowsy eyes.
I might not have been quite so quick to put your big boy vroom vroom bed in your room for a test drive.
If I had only known.

Because I have to be honest, I wasn’t prepared for this

When did you become a little boy? When did you become so grown up that a story at bedtime, a kiss and a hug and then you were ready to sleep through the night in your big boy bed?

You were so proud of yourself.
You woke up in the morning put on your big boy boots and clomped out into the hallway, completely oblivious to the fact that you were stomping on my heart with those precious little boots.
You were so adorable with your puffed out chest, strutting around saying, “I big boy, I vroom vroom bed, I big boy”

My heart swelled with pride at your joy and your accomplishment, yet a little piece crumbled into dust and blew away with a sigh.
My baby. Is no longer a baby.
With a swelling vocabulary, growing confidence and independence, you’re shedding your infancy, rushing through toddlerhood and hurtling headlong as fast as you can into big boydom.

If I had only known.

2 nights people. 2 nights now he has gotten a story and a kiss, turned over in bed and gone to sleep and slept through the night. Yes, it’s a blessing, but part of me wanted him to not do it. Part of me, needs him back in his crib.