Comfortable in this skin.
I’m not. And I am.
I’ve gained weight. Quite a bit.
I look at you and I don’t see your size, I see your sparkling eyes, your boisterous infectious laugh, your beautiful hair, your captivating smile, your heart, your elegant hands, your adorable sprinkling of freckles, the bounce in your step, your sassy-ness; all the things that make you who you are, the things that endear you to me, draw me to you.
And yet.
And. Yet.
All I see, when I look at me… the excess.
I am completely comfortable in my skin, when I forget. When the image in my head is the one that I believe.. the healthy girl who rocks the hour glass figure and is damn proud of it.
The girl with the strong legs, childbearing hips, curving waist, powerful shoulders.
But right now.. that hour glass is more an hour and a half.. maybe two.
I want to be healthier. for me.
Tonight I watched a video by a friend and her husband and it brought tears to my eyes. That’s love. That’s confidence. She inspires me. I adore her.
She is one of the most beautiful people that I’ve ever known. You can get lost in her eyes and her laughter and smile…magnetic.
I have a vision of who I am. I am a cute, spunky, curvy woman… I always have been.
And yet right now… I’m not happy with my outside.
and I struggle.
I NEVER speak of weight, size, numbers or scales.
Because I have a daughter. A beautiful, athletic girl who thinks that I am gorgeous and perfect and funny and smart and beautiful.
I do not want her to ever see me as anything but. I do not ever want her to see herself as anything but.
However, I know that I need to be healthier, for her. For my son. For my husband, for me.
I want to put clothes on again and enjoy them. I want to walk past a mirror and not have it stop me, and slam me back to reality.
I am not a size 6, I am not a size 8… I am a woman with curves and slopes and I love them; I want to get back to the me who loves them again.
My husband looks at me and runs his hands over my curves and I feel sexy, as long as I don’t look myself.
I want to look at myself and love my body again.
I want to rock my hour glass again.
I do not wish to be thin, I am a food lover. I love to eat, I love to cook, I love to drink, I love to savor.
It is a struggle. It is my own.
I want my outsides to match my insides.
Confident. Laughing. Strong.
I will do this for me.
I will do this for my daughter.
This is my gauntlet to myself.
[...]
You are nothing but pure gorgeousness and love in my eyes. AND, I can’t wait to set my eyes n you again in January.
smooches!!!
Kat´s most recent brilliance ..Comment on the flip side- 11-2-10 by Sarah
I adore you. I adore this post. I feel EXACTLY the same way. XOXOX
There’s so much in this that resonates with me. Like every single word. I’m rooting for you and I stand with you.
Marinka´s most recent brilliance ..Guess Who
Wonderful post!! You are so right! I want to love my outsides too. Thanks for sharing Barefoot foodies blog, I so needed that. I think weight is something we all struggle with.
Jenna @ Newlyweds´s most recent brilliance ..Witches- Monsters- and Cowboys
This? Is beautiful, love. So are YOU. xo
Loralee´s most recent brilliance ..Birthday giveaway- My favorite things!
Great Post. I am right there with you.
Oh Rachel! This post totally spoke to me! You are a beautiful woman with curves. Weight has always been a struggle for myself. Your words are inspiring. Thank you for always being supportive and sweet!
Elyse´s most recent brilliance ..Up & Down
I always struggle and always working on this. Nice post…
Weekend Cowgirl´s most recent brilliance ..“Moo Love”
I already posted this on your FB, but just wanted to reitterate it….. Now, let’s have some creamy poblano soup and call it “worth it”……………. Heart You!
We all have our own perceived flaws — but they are nothing compared to those who lack the insight to see the obvious ones others see and experience. You, my friend, are gifted, talented, giving, loving, nurturing and selfless…. Never forget it is what is inside you that counts …. It is your strength and character that will always shine through whether 30 or 80, whether size 8 or size 18, there was a time when being a voluptuous woman was something most listed for…. God made me and you how he wanted US to be and gave us the strengths we have to help others who are not as fortunate… Rejoice that you have food to eat, a hubby that digs your curves and children that will strive to be and search for life partners with that which you provide to them! I don’t see size…. I gave that up long ago, when being a mommy was more important than a size 10 pair of Rockies!
Totally have this same reaction. I also believe that healthy is the key. Have lost about 10 lbs just reducing portions and snacks. Then there was Halloween and 10lbs of candy…
Today wasn’t my finest hour.
Kami Huyse´s most recent brilliance ..Corporate Altruism- The Blurring of the Lines Between CSR and Cause Marketing
What a beautiful, intimate post. We all struggle with accepting our *exterior* selves. If you are fit and healthy, maintain an active life-style, eat a good and balanced diet then it does not matter if you have extra curves etc. Size 6, 10, 12. 14 or 20, etc. If you are in good health then that is what is most important.
Your self-esteem should come from knowing that you are a good person who cares about others and expresses that through her actions. When you look in a mirror, look deeper and see what others see, you from the inside. The more often you do this the easier it becomes to love and accept yourself as other already do.
You are a beautiful woman. The size of your heart has determined that not the size of your clothes.
Paula´s most recent brilliance ..Remembrance Day Cookies
This is a wonderful post, and how it resonates with me. I have two daughters, and I understand this battle well.
Hang in there. You *are* a beautiful woman…inside and out.
rhonda´s most recent brilliance ..When grace comes in disguise
{{hugs}}
miss you Chicky:)
That was a beautiful post. I really did enjoy it.
I’ve been simmering on this post for a couple days now. I really appreciate it for many reasons. A lotly I wish I could just get to this place. I think I do and then I find that I am totally not comfortable. I keep telling myself it’s temporary, when I finish breastfeeding I almost always lose weight but I am starting to feel skeptical and kind of down about it. But this post was a hug for me.
Love.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s most recent brilliance ..Rockstar Juice
Oh, sweet Rachel. We all have our issues, no matter the size. I know where you are coming from in trying to get the right message across to your daughter. I want my girls to know that I work out for me and my health-not to fit into some size. I want them to know that being active is important and its part of our life but it is not because of weight. It’s because of queso! Just kidding. Good luck as you get to where you want to go-whatever that looks like.
Beautiful, vulnerable post – and one that I totally relate to!
You are absolutely gorgeous JUST the way you are!
But I also understand how it feels to know like where you are. So best of luck to you getting your mojo back. Luv ya, roomie!
Um. “to NOT like where you are” — on my 2nd glass of wine and I can’t type!
Musings of a Housewife´s most recent brilliance ..More
There’s so much to say here. Me personally, I’ve struggled with weight issues all my life. It seems at 35 I’ve finally found a pretty “happy” place in regards to them but for me it started with drastically changing my eating habits and keeping an exercise routine. But, I will still never be what our society deems as the “right” size. And I’m good with that.
I watched Brittany’s video and I was applauding her for getting her husband in there to say she’s all good because mine would say the same.
I’ve not seen you in person (still kicking myself for missing you at BlogHer last year) but I’ve seen you here and I know that you are gorgeous inside and out. I hope you are on your way to your “happy place” too my dear. xo
Elaine´s most recent brilliance ..Of Halloweens Past
Wow what a post! It’s funny I am super comfortable, happy and confident but sometimes, usually with tall/full length mirrors when I pass them I cringe. I am working on getting healthier, I will always have curves and love them but the little extra has to go!
I think you are beautiful, inspiring, funny and amazing! Do what you need to do to be healthy but remember you are always beautiful and you are what you feel you are!
((HUGS))
Brandy´s most recent brilliance ..My Pillow Pets Winner @countrynest
I’m glad you don’t talk about numbers and weight around your daughter. That can be dangerous. The good news is the internet needs more healthy foodies! Desperately! I’m going to put my Mamavation hat on for a second and say that I think the best thing for you to do is take some small steps toward healthy living and master those steps. Then tackle some more. DON”T overwhelm yourself no matter what you do because that is a recipe for failure. I’m glad you love food. So you have two choices: 1. eat less or 2. make your meals less calorie and fat filled. Either will work. But I would LOVE to see some comfort foods given a healthy twinge come from this blog.
Oh, and MOVE YOUR ASS more! LOL
Leah @bookieboo´s most recent brilliance ..Sista of the Week28
I hope this comment comes out the way I mean it to come out
You could lose 50 or gain 50, but your weight would never be what I see when I see you. I see your smile and the way you glow with warmth and friendship to those around you. I totally understand as the mom of 2 girls what you are saying and I think it is important to be healthy, but your spirit is a gift to everyone you come in contact with. It doesn’t matter if the package that spirit comes in is a size 2. I am blessed to know you.
The Diaper Diaries´s most recent brilliance ..Ack- the holidays are upon us!!! GIVEAWAY
I think you’ve touched a nerve in so many of us, especially those with daughters. Being okay with not being a size 6, but still not feeling quite ourselves. Wanting to feel better and be healthier for ourselves, but not wanting to disparage the bodies we’ve been given in front of our children. Wanting to be at peace with our bodies, but not give up all of the pleasure good food and drink brings. Thanks for writing this. You are so beautiful inside and out.
Angie @ Just Like The Number´s most recent brilliance ..Satisfied
you can do it, girl. you are beautiful!
Eryn {mamahall}´s most recent brilliance ..called to encourage
YES!
ohmyohmyohmy…beauty is in around above washing all over and from you. i feel this way…
yes, THAT. exactly.
All the right reasons. You go girl.
lceel´s most recent brilliance ..Monday Meanders 11-8
oh rachel…i needed this. you are spectacular in every way!
Monica´s most recent brilliance ..The End of an Era
A beautiful poem. Most of us struggle with our body image as we get older, yet our loved ones think we’re as beautiful as ever. Or sometimes even more. Its hard to accept the changes. And more important,hard to not voice our concerns when our daughters are listening.
Mara Shapiro (@chickyMara)´s most recent brilliance ..My Son has ADHD and he takes meds
Beaut
Sorry about the partial comment…on hubs laptop & it hates me. Okay back to it…..
Beautiful, beautiful post! I think every woman, no matter what size, knows exactly what you speak of. I am slim but I still feel the pressure to be thin-er, pretty-er…it’s death by the ‘ers! I applaud your decision to get healthy. That is what I’m focusing on these days. I do bootcamp and I love it. I haven’t really lost any weight but I now have….muscles! I can now do pushups….I’ve never done pushups! That has helped me quiet the voice in my head that starts on the “need” to be……
Keep up the great work & keep up the great writing!
Merry120´s most recent brilliance ..Photo Weekend in Review – November 5-7- 2010
“I am completely comfortable in my skin, when I forget. When the image in my head is the one that I believe.. the healthy girl who rocks the hour glass figure and is damn proud of it.”
Tears in my eyes because boy, do I get this. I’m HAPPY with myself (which is a big deal for me and a long time coming), as long as I don’t allow myself to stop and think, to linger too long in the mirror, to look at myself as a whole instead of a body part or two that I find acceptable. I know I’m so much more than my size/shape/weight, but it’s damned hard to remember that sometimes.
*big hugs*
Chibi Jeebs´s most recent brilliance ..Things That Can Just Fck Right Off 37
I’m doing it for myself, but mostly for my sons. You can do it.
Rachael´s most recent brilliance ..Friday Fragments
I know JUST how you feel.
Robin´s most recent brilliance ..Friday Daze
I hopped over from Miss Britt’s blog. I love your attitude and your energy. If you look on my blog you’ll see that I also said
“I want my outside to match my insides.”
We just want to be exactly who we are meant to be, right?
ps I’m new to blogging and don’t know how to make a link for Miss Britt’s blog. I’m getting to the bookstore today to learn more!
Debbie´s most recent brilliance ..Its All About Taking in the Flag
Ahh, great post. Such a common struggle. I’m still close enough to my standard size, that I can wear a lot of my clothes, but I tend to rock the elastic waistband–and I know I’m enough over right now, that jeans would be uncomfortable. ;p
Best Wishes for greater health & happiness.
I feel very much the same way, only worse…I don’t feel sexy or confident when my husband touches me. EVER. I feel self conscious and huge and ugly. Ugh. What I wouldn’t give to feel better about myself. Your post was lovely and very much needed.
Jennifer´s most recent brilliance ..Blogging Goals How to create a better blog