Let Me Be Enough

You’ll never know what happens in the hours after I’ve fussed at you, after you’ve cried and I’ve come and explained myself and we’ve come to terms.

You’ll never know that after we’ve kissed and hugged and said our ‘I love you’s’ and I’ve reassured you, yet again, that while I will always love you, there will be times that I will not like you.

You’ll never know a lot of the things that happen after you’ve fallen asleep.

When I hear the deep, heavy, rhythmic breathing and the small popping sound your breath makes as it escapes your lips, signaling that you’ve tumbled into the deepest childhood slumber; it’s then that I slide next to you on your bed.  It is there in those quiet precious stolen moments that I stroke your hair, and ever-so-lightly trace the constantly changing contours of your face, I marvel over the softness that was, that is, that will all too soon cease to be.

It is then that I apologize again.

It is then that I whisper my apologies for failing you in whatever way that I’ve failed you.  In that moment, the reality of the enormity of this things called motherhood swoops down on me, and I shudder.

It is then that I pray, in the dark, cool, quiet depths of your room, the sanctuary of childhood and innocence – it is then and there, as I gaze upon you hovering in the in-between, that I pray my hardest, deepest most sacred prayer:

 

“Dear Lord,

 

Let me be enough”

 

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. says

    Very nice, Rachel. Thank you. I sometimes have such mixed emotions in my parenting journey. Like last night… I couldn’t Wait to put the baby to bed. She requires SO much energy and I was depleted. And then as the hours began to pass and my energy returned… I missed her. And couldn’t wait until she wakes. Aren’t we funny, we mothers?!

    • says

      Um yea what she said, not that the food stuff isn’t great. But. Wow. I didn’t know you could bring me to tears, lol. I think we can all relate to this feeling. I get so angry with the fact that I’m angry with him, like why can’t I be the patient mom that can sing her way through any situation? But then, I bring myself back to reality and realize that we all aren’t perfect. Ever. During bedtime, I inhale his sweet scent and smooch all over those peach cheeks of his.

  2. Laura in Texas says

    I know what you mean. Motherhood is such a mix of emotions and responsibilities! Sometimes I feel like an ogre and other time the best mom ever. Hang in there; God will make you enough for everyone.

  3. says

    That you whisper that prayer – that you are involved enough, aware enough, caring enough to whisper that prayer – shows me that you are more than enough – you are The Most.

  4. says

    Rachel,
    Beautiful expression of the deep feelings we mothers feel from time-to-time. Those thoughts never go away as they get older either! Having a 16, 14 and 2 1/2 year old you feel like that almost everyday! I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

    Loved it!

  5. Lisa says

    Wow. Just Wow. This perfectly describes my relationship with my daughter. I just want to be enough for her, and for my son (who is not yet old enough for me to be in this place with him, but will be soon enough). Beautiful.

  6. says

    I walk into Fury’s room after times like that, observe him asleep, and realize he is still my baby boy. Then I scruff up his hair, whisper “I love you, kid” and walk away.

    Little bit different from what you described, but internal struggle is the same. That was a beautiful, universal moment you captured. And you didn’t use your camera! What the what? Talented, you are.

  7. Grand old compost says

    This is when you teach them you are not just a mother but a person. They learn you trip a you trip over tall buildings so they to can grow up to be as good a mom as you.

    • says

      Oh Bridget, yes. just yes. xxoox But, I guess we must be human for them to see that perfection doesn’t exist, yes?

      Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone xo

  8. says

    Perhaps they are here to teach us more than how to have patience and a good sense of humor. Perhaps they’re also here to teach us that yes, we are enough…even when we don’t feel like it.

  9. says

    THIS made me cry. I get it. I do it. I wish I could be enough. I wish I could be better. It seems like parenting brings out the worst in me sometimes. I feel like I’ve been struggling so much with my daughter lately. I’m at least happy to see that I am not alone.

  10. tam says

    As a mother of 3, 2 of which are girls I have said this prayer so many times. I thank you for putting into such beautiful words for mothers everywhere. TFS!!!!!

  11. LibraryGirl62 says

    As I prepare to send my oldest to college this weekend, I will pray this everyday for the rest of my life. Thank you!

    • says

      Mary, mine are a month away from 5 and 7 1/2.

      the greatest compliment you can give me, you gave. You let me know that my words spoke to you, thank you.

  12. says

    While reading this, I could see the nights I have crept up the ladder into my daughter’s bed, only to put my arms around her to feel her breathing next to me. Your words eloquently capture what it is to be a mother.

    This is one of the most beautiful posts I have read. Thank you.

  13. Katy (@mamapoodle) says

    Tears. Falling down my cheeks. This is exactly what goes through my head after a particularly difficult day full of Terrible Twos tantrums and meltdowns (his and mine!). This, my dear, is what makes you enough. This is what makes you a good mother. Don’t you know that?

    • says

      Katy,

      You bring tears to my eyes. Thank you. There are days I know it, and days I question it and perhaps that is what it is about? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
      <3

  14. Mindy Herod says

    YES! YES! Love this!! Damn you for making me tear up ;-) Just today I put them to bed after a HORRIBLE day! As I was in the shower I kept telling myself, “tomorrow I will take some deep breaths before I go off and scream at them. I will TRY to be more patient!” I have had this talk with myself more times than I can count. Love you <3

    • says

      Mindy, you are the mom that I look up to. You are the mom that I wish I were when I am struggling with myself.
      I love you friend.
      THANK YOU for once again, reaffirming that I’m not alone and we are all in this together.
      Your friendship is a gift to me.

      Mimosas tomorrow? ;-) xoxoo love you

  15. says

    Oh, my. You just described me so perfectly. Every time I lose my temper, every time he gets a time out or she gets sent to bed early, I beg for forgiveness. I’m so sorry for my every failure.

  16. Paula says

    You are more than enough, you are everything. When you are filled with doubts remember that God read your resume and checked all your references before tasking you with the job of raising these precious children.

    P.S. He never promised that it would be easy…but he’ll always give you what you need to be everything they need you to be.

    Big Hugs to you.

  17. Dragon says

    Dearest Rachel –

    Your emotions are normal. Your feelings are normal. However, you are not the normal parent that is present in our society today. Parenting is not easy and what you are feeling and experiencing indicates you are doing a phenomenal job! As a mother of a new teen, I can tell you I have been there, done that, and well, still doing it! Princess will be ever so grateful when she gets older. I always tell Punk that she may not understand now why I am so strict and have such a strong set of expectations for her, but when she is older and is able to survive on her own, she will then remember the moments where I was that “mean mom”.

    I often laugh and wonder if she is cursing me in her immature brain when I get on her case. I always make it a point to tell her that I did not become her mom to be her best friend, but to bring another wonderful woman into this world. Don’t ever beat yourself up and please know you don’t always have to apologize for being a good mother, it’s your obligation to our world to discipline your children. If there were more of you, me and your friends above, we wouldn’t have the issues in our society we do today. Respect would be in full effect…. Keep up the stellar work my friend!

  18. says

    Yup, this is it in a nutshell. The struggle between being their parent and being their biggest fan is epic. Loving them sometimes means having to be the bad guy and it is soooooo hard.

    Thank you for sharing this. Beautifully written.

  19. says

    Tears … humbled tears … mother’s tears … and prayer of thanks for this job that is so joy-filled and heartbreaking at the same time. Beautiful post.

  20. says

    Wow. I needed to read this exactly just now. And this week. And next week. Thank you for putting the words down. This is a wonderful post.

  21. Judee @ Gluten Free A-Z says

    What an insprirational and beautfiul post. Every mother no matter what age can identify.
    It can also be applied to other relationships in our life as well. Isn’t it our biggest desire to ,
    ” be enough”
    Thank your for expressing it so beautifully.

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