Monkey | Princess

The Day I Broke My Vagina

“DAD, Mom broke her vagina!”

Imagine being greeted at the door with that.
I’m blaming Jennifer. I read her post about being head-butted in the crotch by her son and having ‘broken girl junk‘, and now I have ‘broken girl junk’.

I am not graceful, but I’m not normally a klutz either. However, yesterday I walked into the laundry room, slipped on a teeny tiny little toddler sock and with all the grace of a drunk elephant landed on my right knee and then somehow fell spread eagle across the rim of a large hard plastic laundry basket.

Holy Hells Bells and Shooting Stars. My eyes crossed and y’all I saw fireworks.

I hereby formally apologize to every man in the world for every single time I laughed when you got racked. You now have my sincerest empathy.

I might possibly have let loose with a tiny expletive or two.

With tears threatening to spill out of my eyes, I dislodged myself from the laundry basket and tried to decide which needed attention first, my aching knee, my throbbing (not in a good way) ‘girl junk’ or the crying freaked out Monkey cowering in the corner of the kitchen.
Since I’m a mom, y’all know Monkey won. I hobbled over there and hugged him. While I was calming him down Princess walked in took one look at my flushed face and asked: “Mom, what happened”
I told her.
She looked at me with those huge blue eyes and said with what can only be described as awe in her voice: “Mom, did you break your vagina?”
Me: “No honey, but I think I may have bruised it.”
Her: “Ok. Can I go next door and play?”
Gotta love that kid’s concern.

Nathan after hearing Princess’ exclamation looked at me for an explanation.
After I explained it to him he looked at me with concern on his face and asked me: “So does this mean sex is out of the question tonight?”

I am thinking about returning his testicles to him sometime next year.

So, as a warning to all Vagina having bloggers, beware… First, Jennifer’s Girl Junk and now mine. You could be next. I’m just sayin’.

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28 Comments

  1. I fell on a fence, straddling it and severely wounding my pride and my girl junk when I was about 10. I’ve never quite forgotten the pain.

    Get a six pack of ice cold beer. Put one in the girl junk area to numb it and drink one or three more! 😉

  2. Speaking for the other side of the equation, sorry for his comment, but you know what they say about us and a single track.

    I’m a guy. I have a 32 inch inseam. Toddlers running around the house. I can’t begin to tell you what a headbutt by a toddler with a full head of steam feels like…well maybe now you know 🙂

  3. Oh, crap… hope you and your gina are okay again soon.

    And don’t return those balls too soon.

    Men…. grr.

  4. Nathan? Needs to have his head examined. Seriously? And, thanks. If these things travel in threes, I’m the most likely to have it happen as I am a total klutz. Is there a cooling pack that works for the vagina? And, you do realize, this is two posts you’ve had with that word in the title, right?

    I should be free to chat tomorrow at naptime.

  5. That sounds like something my husband would have said. (insert eye-roll here)

    I’ve already had a pretty special feeling in that area when I fell down the basement stairs a couple of months ago. I think half of me was still falling while the other half stopped? I don’t know how else to explain spraining my pelvic area the way I did.

    I hope you’re recovering quickly.

  6. Oh… I have had similar experiences. I feel your pain.

    That is actually exactly what The Man would have said… maybe… he may have asked if I had hurt my mouth, too.

    Pigs.

  7. bless your crotch!
    OMG.
    My middle child was a head butter. Thankfully he has grown taller. I totally feel your pain.

  8. Well you KNOW I sympathize! My girl junk has recovered and I’m certain yours will, too. Maybe we should get cups??

  9. O-U-C-H!

    I am crossing my legs for you in pain…hope you feel better soon girl!

    And hopefully hubby learned his lesson 😉

  10. Ouch! I totally didn’t read her blog, but earlier in the week, I sat on one of those kid trial sized shampoos. I thought I broke mine, too!

  11. May I laugh just a little bit? I know you all have to give birth and stuff and I know that is pain beyond belief, but it’s nice to read some empathy regarding ‘junk trauma.’

  12. Ack. First, I’m terribly sorry and hope you’re okay. Second, um…I think this is reason enough for me to not get up off the couch today…you know, because broken vaginas are going around and all…

  13. Ouch, girl! I’d tell Nathan it’s out of the question for the next few nights after that question.

    Hope the broken vajajay is better now.

  14. Owie! Ow! Ow! I’m so sorry. I hope this is not contagious. I’m a klutz, please don’t send me broken girl junk vibes 😉

  15. Just came across your blog and this was the first post I read. I’m at work and literally laughing out loud. My coworkers are giving me strange looks. Hope you’re feeling better and sorry to be laughing at your expense!

  16. Ugh, that had to have hurt so bad!

    When I was little, I tried riding a boys bike. I fell of course & thought I was going to die from the pain.

    I seriously have no idea how men go through that all the time.

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