Everything Else

Wax On, Wax Off?

I go every couple of weeks to get my caterpillars eyebrows waxed at my local nail place and while I love these people and how sweet they are to my kids, they’re starting to give me a bit of a complex.

I enter to chiming cowbells and enthusiastic greetings and  “Warren” leads me back to ‘the room’ where I lay on what must have once been an ironing board but is now enjoying a second life as a waxing table.

I put my head on a towel as “Warren” peers intently at my face.

He takes a deep breath and as he opens his mouth the stench of cigarettes and mint overwhelms my senses. It takes a lot to keep from cringing as he stares down at my face, studying me, breathing on me.

” Wax Eyebrows?”  he says
“Yes”, I say “Eyebrows”
“No lip?” his voice rising just a hair at the end.
“No, just the eyebrows today” I say

Nothing.  He says nothing. Does nothing.  To me, it seems like the stillness goes on for an eternity, in reality probably 2 seconds.  My stomach does a little twist as I fight the urge to leap off the table and grab the nearest mirror and stare at my upper lip. Did I suddenly become Borat? Am I hairy and grotesque, Have I morphed into the bearded lady in the brief time since I checked the mirror last? How has Nathan missed the fact that he’s obviously been kissing  a swarthy swashbuckler?

“Warren” quickly finishes my eyebrows and I’m unable to even enjoy the sleekness of my perfectly coiffed brows over my sparkling green blue eyes because as I plop down my $10 and grab my kids all I can think about it is getting home and examining myself with a 10X magnified mirror and wondering, is there something someone needs to tell me?

Is Warren the only one being honest with me or does he just enjoy ripping the hair out of my face with his hot wax?

wax-on-wax-off

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27 Comments

  1. I don’t see a mustache!! So, I’d say you can say goodbye to your swarthy swashbuckling days!

    But, just to share, I get my brows waxed every few weeks, also. And, my lovely little Asian woman always asks me if I need my lip waxed, too! And, it never fails, I ALWAYS go home and burns holes into my mirror with an evil glare and spot light big enough to spot whatever spot lights are used to spot.

    Then, when I get pedis, the lovely little Asian male (who I swear tells me a different name EVERY time I sit down) always glares at me when I say I don’t need the deluxe pedicure. I just want the normal. He then raises his eyebrows (all knowingly) and says “you sure you no want deluxe?” … Let me add, his gesture always has this silent influx that totally reads “Lady, your toes make me wanna gag, do yourself a favor and get the deluxe package, spend a little extra time in the hot tub and let me use the sandblaster” …. I’m sure they’re just up selling, though.

    If I don’t keep telling myself that then I’d delete every picture of myself ever taken and I’m go into the fetal position in a corner where no one could see my hairy upper lip and ugly toes.

    Heather’s latest brilianceE-nun-ci-a-tion

  2. I think they’re blue.

    You were asking us what color your eyes are, right? Because there’s certainly no extra hairiness going on.

    Ree’s latest brilianceOne Mystery Explained

  3. They are always trying to upsell me when I get my pedicures and eye brow waxes. No I don’t want a manicure. Nope I don’t need a design painted on my toe. No, no lip wax either. Its all about the $. You look perfectly fine in the upper lip region to me. Although I would be a little creeped out by a guy doing my eye brow waxing. Only women do the waxing at my place.

    Someone Being Me’s latest brilianceUpdates and cold showers

  4. The exact same thing happens to me every time I get my eyebrows done, too. And I am a natural blonde and even the hair on my legs is blonde and the little bit of practically not there peach fuzz I have on my lip is practically transparent… so why would I let someone torture me my waxing my lip? Seriously, I think they are given a handful of English phrases and told to repeat them to every guest. It’s my only guess for their lameness.

    carrie’s latest brilianceBlissDom ’09

  5. I can soooo relate! I have been waxing my own wookie eyebrows and mustache since i was twelve. Every now and then I used to treat myself to having it done at a salon and would walk away with a very uncomfortable feeling similar to your experience. You are hilarious!

    (first time commenter here – i linked to you from On The Upside)

    bex’s latest brilianceSpin Cycle: Poem

  6. I’m blaming the upsale angle as well. The less expensive places always do that.

    Do you have a Benefit brow bar near you? I LOVE them, and they NEVER ask if I want my lip done. 😉
    Plus, they wax eyebrows while you’re sitting in a high stool, so there’s no skin sliding issues like when you lay down. (doesn’t your skin hang differently when you lie down?? mine does. lol)

    You are gorgeous, hun, and I will personally inspect that lip soon! 😀 Hey, we can always hit up the drugstore for some Jolen if we think we really need it. HA!

    VDog’s latest brilianceHallelujah!

  7. You are so damn cute!!

    And I, too, have gotten SO paranoid when they ask that. As long as they don’t ask about waxing my chin, I figure I’m ok!

    Scary Mommy’s latest brilianceLabor of Love

  8. I am still amazed that it costs you $10 to get your eyebrows waxed. It’s like $50 where I’m from. We even have “celebrity” eyebrow waxers. This seems a bit silly to me, even though I’m a “celebrity” makeup artist (these days everyone’s a celebrity something or other even if the closest you’ve ever been to a celebrity is cable television).

    I may have to go go Warren to get my eye brows (and lip!) waxed.

    Funny post.

  9. I don’t see a fem-stash, just beauty!
    This just reminds me that I need to find a good waxer, my brows and yes, my fem-stash are in need of a good wax! I noticed a few days ago that I am becoming my Grandma.

    Kaytabug’s latest brilianceBack in the Day

  10. You look marvelous — don’t let stinky breath tell you otherwise. I read your comments over at Secret Agent Mama. If you are interested I would love to work with you too. Email me anytime and don’t let that pushy waxer give you worries. The eye brows are perfect and there is no femstache for sure.

  11. hee hee. Love this pic.

    Every time I get my toes done, they stare at my face and then say “You wax eyebrow too.”

    No. No, thank you. But thanks for the suggestion….

    (I can’t let my eyebrows ever get long enough in the middle for a wax. I’m a plucker…)

    Danielle’s latest brilianceGrace in Small Things: 7 of 365 Weekend Edition

  12. That is like a plastic surgeon saying, “Oh, you aren’t here for your NOSE?” UGH. That totally happened to me and I caved…

    They have you in a vulnerable situation and POUNCE on it.

    BTW $10 is a bargain!

    texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana’s latest brilianceSnow Scenes

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