A letter to my mom, because now is what matters.
When you were first diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer I researched everyday for nearly a month on what will happen. What new drugs were out, what was the course for treatment, what is the life expectancy, etc. I wanted to know all of it. I read stories upon stories of other women diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. I needed to know what to expect. I needed just needed to know. As you know it is just my nature to read, read, read and then process the information.
Now? Now I can’t look at another article or read another story. I know that sounds horrible, but the truth of it all is that I cannot read anymore because there are no happy ending. And that just sucks.
There are no words to describe how I feel watching you get sick, again.
I am mad.
So freaking mad.
Mad that your puffy head doctor just looked at me with a blank face when I asked HOW does this happen to a women that was robbed of her breasts a year ago from this disease?
Mad that the same puffy head doctor seems to say “I don’t know” an awful lot.
I know you trust Dr. puffy head, but in all reality, I was never going to be all “high-five” to any doctor you had because in my head “HOW did this happen, again? HOW did they miss it?”
On top of being so mad, I have to say that I am mostly heart broken. You may drive me absolutely insane because our personalities are so polar opposite sometimes, but it does not change the fact that I need you here. Everyday. I want to annoy you every single day with my billion phone calls about nothing. I want to annoy you by pulling stupid pranks on you just to hear you yell and then sit back and laugh together.
I don’t know life without you.
And I don’t want to, ever.
And I know how unrealistic this is of me.
I may be a 37 but I still need my “Mommy”.
I want you to know that I love you.
I love your spirit.
Your balls to the wall attitude.
I don’t look at this as a death sentence anymore, because you showed me that life is now.
Now is what matters.
It is a funny thing, life. I spent so many years challenging you, and pushing for my independence and freedom and I watch life come full circle now that I have two boys of my own who you know first hand challenge me on everything. But the one thing remains a constant, you and your love for us. Somehow you knew that no matter how batty we drove you, we would somehow find our way back, to you.
So you may have this stupid disease, and I may say it is robbing your health, or even the other day I said it is robbing me of you. But the one thing I realized while thinking about what I was going to write for October’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month was that it will never ever rob me of you. It can’t. I won’t allow it. You live in me. Your love is in every ounce of who I am. I won’t let it take away the amazing memories.
I think of you every single time I hear Tim McGraw’s song “Live like you were dying”.. because you have showed me that no matter what, you have now.
I love you Mom.
To all of Rachel’s readers, I decided to write a letter to my mom for my Breast Cancer Awareness Post because I live with the awareness everyday that Breast Cancer is an evil disease that doesn’t care whom it affects. It is affecting Mothers, Daughters, Aunts, Sisters and Friends. I do as much as I can to support Breast Cancer research so that we can find a cure so that none of us ever have to watch a loved one suffer from this disease. I truly pray for a miracle that somehow a cure is found Now. Because if you knew my Mom you would know that world is a better place with her here.
Kim’s mom wrote yesterday’s post:
You can help us to support the search for the cure by donating now. $1, $5, $10, $100 every. dollar. counts.
Please donate for them, for you, for every woman you’ve ever known: