I am FAILmom

So tonight I was ironing Nate’s clothes.

Did you just pick yourself up off the floor? Because, ya, if you know anything about me, you know I DON’T iron.  But, I love my hubby and I have a new Mac and a new iphone and stargazer lilies. So pick your jaw up off the floor, quit laughing and help me.


Princess looks at me and says: “Why did the chicken cross the road”

Me: “what?”

Princess: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Because I am a total FAIL, I say: “To get to the other side”

She giggles: “NO.  Because he wanted to”

Y’all. My kid fell on the floor giggling at herself.

Then, she turned the tables on me and the best I could come up with was, (and I am actually mortified at this so SHUT UP and help me):

Me: ” What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?”

*I know*

Her: ” I don’t know Mom, what”

Me: ” I think you’re Boo-tiful”

da-da-da-dum * I know, I know*  {hanging head in shame}

Princess, giggled hysterically and then prodded me for more and y’all, I’m blank.

I am on my knees. PLEASE help me.  I know that y’all have been here before.  Y’all see that pathetic excuse for a joke up there, HALP me!!!  I am a total FAILmom right now.

Please, share your cheesiest, silliest, goofiest jokes. I need them.  My 5 year old is hounding and my momnesia is looming.

Please don’t let me be a total failure here.  HELP!!!!

princess and flowers

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  1. Why do they keep gates around cemetery’s?
    People are dying to get in!


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  2. The only jokes I know are totally inappropriate for a 5 yo!

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  3. knock knock
    who’s there?
    banana who

    knock knock
    who’s there?
    banana who

    knock knock
    who’s there?
    orange who?
    orange you glad I didn’t say banana???

    Sorry hon but that is all I have!

  4. What did the rug say to the floor?
    “Don’t move, I’ve got you covered.”

    Did you hear about the peanuts who walked down a dark alley?
    One was a salted.

  5. So I asked my 5yo, Beaux, for you.

    Me: “Dude, do you know any jokes?”

    Him: “YEAH! Knock, Knock.”

    Me: “Who’s there?”

    Him: “A frog on a motorcycle.”

    Me: “Okay, a frog on a motorcycle who?”

    Him: “Um, mom. That’s all I got.”

    Definitely get their sense of humor from their father, sorry!

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  6. Rachel, go to the library and check out some joke or riddle books. My students used to read jokes to me from these books by the dozens. Sadly I can’t remember a single joke. Love you.

  7. A third grader told me this one this week at school…

    What does a tree in the woods say when it gets cold???

    Shiver me timbers!!!

  8. Why did six run away from seven?

    Because seven ate nine…..!!!!

    (That’s the only joke I can ever remember!!)

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  9. This isn’t officially a joke, but I got super tickled this week when we were discussing which animals had spines and which didn’t, and my 12yod said, “When I kissed a frog…” I don’t remember anything beyond that, because we all cracked up! Her nickname is Princess…

    As to the lack of ironing, my dad told my husband that my stepmother irons everything, to which my husband commented that I iron nothing. I replied, “But I Photoshop everything!” I think that probably isn’t as impressive at work as nicely ironed clothes.

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  10. I asked my child to please go pick up their room today…and they said No that’s not possible I asked why..they told me the room is to heavy…

    Nice blog and thanks for your comment too…..Beth

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  11. 1: “Knock-Knock”
    2: “Who’s there?”
    1: “The Interrupting Cow.”
    2: “The Interrupting C-”
    1: “MOO!”

    Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
    A: The chicken was on vacation. (dumbest. joke. ever.)

    Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A: A fsh.

  12. Dude – that’s SO not a parenting fail. I would have been the parenting fail parent because I would have been unable to come up with a single one on the spot.

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  13. I can never remember the punch lines anyway. That is the moment when I go, “Hey want to learn a new song?” I have one of those voices that get dogs to howling and cats to hissing. He rolls with laughter because I am so “silly”. Glad to be the joke son. Anything for you. 😉

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