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If I Had Known

If I had known the last time you nursed would be the last time,
I would have allowed your warm sweet body to stay curled up with mine a little bit longer, our hearts beating in rhythm and the feeling of your warm breath and the soft movements of your mouth lulling me into a blessed contentment.
If I had known…

If I had know that Saturday night would be the last time I would see this

and Sunday morning the last time that I would walk into your room and have you reach up to me with a sleepy smile and drowsy eyes.
I might not have been quite so quick to put your big boy vroom vroom bed in your room for a test drive.
If I had only known.

Because I have to be honest, I wasn’t prepared for this

When did you become a little boy? When did you become so grown up that a story at bedtime, a kiss and a hug and then you were ready to sleep through the night in your big boy bed?

You were so proud of yourself.
You woke up in the morning put on your big boy boots and clomped out into the hallway, completely oblivious to the fact that you were stomping on my heart with those precious little boots.
You were so adorable with your puffed out chest, strutting around saying, “I big boy, I vroom vroom bed, I big boy”


My heart swelled with pride at your joy and your accomplishment, yet a little piece crumbled into dust and blew away with a sigh.
My baby. Is no longer a baby.
With a swelling vocabulary, growing confidence and independence, you’re shedding your infancy, rushing through toddlerhood and hurtling headlong as fast as you can into big boydom.

If I had only known.

2 nights people. 2 nights now he has gotten a story and a kiss, turned over in bed and gone to sleep and slept through the night. Yes, it’s a blessing, but part of me wanted him to not do it. Part of me, needs him back in his crib.

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  1. So bittersweet! You want them to do these things but it’s so hard.

    Just think there are bigger and better things to come 🙂

    The bed is so cute btw and still more little boy than truly BIG boy 🙂

    Lisa@verybusymomwith4’s latest brilianceFor Dante

  2. Awwww … what a sweet (and slightly sad) post! I remember the day when I transitioned Princess D into her toddler bed. It happens so quickly. You have to savor every moment and not rush them if they don’t want to be rushed. In so many ways he will always be you little guy!

  3. Hi Rachel. I’m new here. 🙂

    this post is great, and kind of made me cry. I now feel the need to pay close attention EVERY TIME my son nurses, in case it’s the last one (which could be any day). Not sure if that will be a good thing, or exhausting. So, um…. thanks. 🙂

    Erin G’s latest brilianceFirst Big Boy Shoes

  4. I am crying over here.. crying!!!!! I am not ready for that. How do they grow so fast? The pictures are too sweet Rachel..

    Kim’s latest brilianceMirror Mirror I need a favor

  5. Honey you made me cry. I could have written this. I miss these things, and everything is getting harder as my baby,my youngest, my last one, keeps hitting milestones. I feel like I didn’t soak it all up, that I didn’t appreciate all the little things and moments and now it is gone and I can’t get it back. Damn it is so sad.
    I feel ya! XOXOXOXO

    Kaytabug’s latest brilianceMacro Monday

  6. Pssst…

    Tell him to stop growing so fast, will ya? He looks SO big in his big boy bed.

    OHmommy’s latest brilianceThis time around, the playgroup is for the kid…

  7. Noooooo!!!!!!!
    We are going today to get the Lil Princess a bed…now my heart breaks even more…I dont want to do it!!!! 🙁
    Gosh-that was so well written-my heart dropped.
    But I have put it off long enough.
    So be looking for my post too…soon….maybe. 😉

    Spoiled Mommy’s latest brilianceLil Princess bakes!

  8. Oh, I am SO exactly right there with ya! Except my little guy (not even 2!) has been sleeping in his big boy bed (bottom bunk) for a month now. And he’s so proud of it he climbs up during the day, almost to stake his claim on his territory, but part of me is sad that there are no more late-night rockings, no more arms held up to be lifted from his crib…*le sigh*…

  9. As a dad, it must be different. I get so excited for my kids as the move to the next step. I’m so proud, but I never catch myself looking back. I keep my eyes looking forward to the next big step. I so much want them to grow up and become the strong, confident, successful women.

    There’s also way cooler things still to come. My nine year old and I go to Major League Baseball games together. So COOL! She’s even sharing Dad’s love of roller coasters now. When they were little I had to just bite my lip and walk past. Now, I just look at mom and then to her and ask “You wanna go for a ride?”

    Enjoy these times. It only gets better.

  10. What a big boy! And a lucky mom! May you have many more easy nights of him sleeping in his vroom vroom bed.

    Chelsea/PB&J In A Bowl’s latest briliance

  11. Oh, Rachel – this was such a beautfiully written sentiment about your darling boy! He’s a cutie!!

    Take care – Kellan

    Kellan’s latest brilianceI’m Going To Be Hard To Live With

  12. Yep. It goes so quickly. You sometimes long for the day when they can do those milestones, yet when they happen, you miss the times before.

  13. OH NO NO no no. NO. You’re going to make *me* cry.

    I’m not ready for this either. Please make it stop, please? I just snuggled my little man by his crib, kissed him, whispered I love you and he whispered “iyuyu”. I can’t have him speaking in full sentences with a big bed.


    (Also, we loved that tent with LB. Little climbing stinker!)


    Mrs. Flinger’s latest brilianceMemories

  14. OHMYGOD! WAIT! You’re going to blissdom! WHAT?!?!?!?! YEYEYEY. I was JUST thinking to myself, “I need to find a way to get Rachael there…”

    YEYEYEY! Oh, you’re forgiven for making me cry.

    Mrs. Flinger’s latest brilianceMemories

  15. I am jealous! My son STILL won’t get out of bed and clomp into the hallway, and he’ll be seven in May. We couldn’t even get him out of bed on Christmas Day!!

  16. Oh how true, how true. Since he could talk, my son would awake each weekend morning with “knock knock dada!” which was my cue to go in his room and take him out of his crib. He did this even after he was old enough to get out of bed himself and shower. He did this as a first grader, even though he didn’t need me to get him out of bed. All the way until a few months ago. Now he just wakes up, turns on his computer and plays games. I’m praying he forgets one day and says it again. Even just once. 🙁

    BusyDad’s latest brilianceUrrrgh…

  17. oh! this is so heartbreaking.


    I get sad when I think about things like the crib to big bed. And then I think that tomorrow they’ll be graduating high school and I’ll be wishing for the day that they were moving to big boy beds…

    It all goes too fast. Too fast…

    Danielle’s latest brilianceAnd… She’s One

  18. *deep sigh*
    Sooooo sweet.
    Rhett still takes naps in his crib with tent by his request, but he is in the big bed with brothers at night.

    I love that he still asks to be zipped in during naptime.

    But I know it won’t be much longer…

    texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana’s latest brilianceIt is a given

  19. Awwww ….

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. Why do they have to keep GROWING? It’s so tragic. And exciting.

    I think they break your hear a little every day so that when they go off to college you don’t completely fall apart. That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway!

    Tranny Head’s latest brilianceThe Kind of Bar Where You Can’t Get Drunk

  20. Connor’s been out of the crib for a year now and I STILL can’t quite get used to the fact that he’s sleeping in a big boy bed. LOL He’s never been all that cooperative about bedtime though. EVER. “I NOT SWEEPY MAMA!!”

  21. Awww…it does get easier, but it is still very emotional! I just had to drop this book recommendation here because it really is appropriate for your “last time” to see that crib.

    I got Karen Kingsbury’s, “Let Me Hold You Longer” and it is such a sweet story of celebrating all the lasts not just the “firsts” for our babies. That would be a great book to read to your little man each night as he independently goes to sleep.

    Andrea @ MommySnacks.net’s latest brilianceSoul Snack: Then Sings My Soul Saturday

  22. Get out of my head! I’m going through the same thing with my sweet baby girl right now. I swear, I could have written this myself and I’m tearing up just thinking about it.

    Bren’s latest brilianceGit – R- Done

  23. Oh my…made me well up. I was working 60 hours a week, 7 days a week at a job I hated when my youngest (now 3) stopped nursing and became a big boy. He was only a little over a year old and the only time I could snuggle/nurse him was right before work and late at night when I got home. The last morning it was quick, I had to run out the door, didn’t want my awful boss to be upset if I wasn’t early…came home that night, and he didn’t want to nurse. I wish I would have known that last morning was it. ugh….but, it is still an experience that is so wonderful and sadly many never know….so I will look at the bright side (through my teary eyes). Thanks so much for the lovely post.

    Mary Beth’s latest brilianceNo Sew Window Valances

  24. I have been a single working mother for most of my daughters 11 yrs on earth. I longed to be at home with her, baking cookies and playing outside after school.last year i quit work to be a stay at home mother and help my husband with his small business.. It was then I realized, she really didnt need me to stay-at-home!! I think I need a NEW reason to stay at home…Just not sure I am ready to be a MOM all over again!! Where does the time go??

  25. I started sobbing after the first line. I have a (almost) 6 month old and I can’t believe how fast it has gone by. I keep saying “I can’t wait till she…” but then when she hits a milestone I realize she’s growing… my baby is growing… thanks for this. Makes me want to go upstairs and just watch her sleep.

  26. I am glad to see this post ended the way it did. It really scared me in the beginning. Wait until he’s 8 and you look at his face and see a boy man, instead of a baby boy!

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