The day the vagina nearly wrecked the car

Y’all remember that clip from Varsity Blues right? The one where the “hot” stripper teacher is teaching Sex Ed and tells her students to all chant:
“Penis, Penis, Penis, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina”

Well, I don’t believe in teaching kids to call body parts nicknames like ‘hoo ha’ or ‘pachingo’ or ‘nonny’ or ‘tallywhacker’ or ‘winkie’ or anything else along those lines. If you teach your kids different names for them, party on.
That’s just not my cup of tea.
So, my daughter knows what a vagina is and that girls have vaginas and boys have penises, as was obvious from this post.

Now, obviously my husband knows this fact of life. We do have two kids, you do the math πŸ™‚ But, it makes him super squeamish to hear his precious little Princess say those words out loud. Which I swear doesn’t make me giggle like a schoolgirl or anything, honest.

I’ll spare y’all all the lovely details but one day Princess had BBV (bubble bath vagina). For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s when girls (big and little) take too many bubble baths and their inner lining gets irritated. It feels like you’re peeing fire.. well, we were out at dinner when she felt it.
If you live in Texas, I’m pretty sure you heard her screams.
Anyhoo… I explained to her what had happened and that some Tylenol and a cool water (no bubbles) bath would help once we got home… she was actually pretty good about it.
We left the restaurant and got in the car to go home, we’re on the highway Nathan’s driving and we hear this:
“Dad, my vagina burns when I tee tee”
He looks at me with this poor helpless mortified look on his face, I swear I wasn’t giggling inside at all.
“Mom, do boys penises burn like this if they take too many bubble baths?”
At least that’s what I heard. I’m pretty sure all Nathan heard was his precious litle daughter saying: “Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Penis, Penis, Penis” Now, since she isn’t allowed to date until she’s 30, I’m pretty sure she isn’t allowed to actually have a vagina until then, too.
It continued: “Mom, does your vagina ever burn?”
Okay, I nearly choked on my Diet Coke and I swear if it wouldn’t have killed his family, Nathan would have jumped head first out of the car to get away from this conversation.
We got home safely and Nathan’s head didn’t explode. Princess got her cool water bath and Tylenol and all was well in our world.
So there you have it, the day the vagina nearly wrecked our car.

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  1. Oh good Lord…We don’t talk like that up north. We don’t even have cute names for things…repress, repress, repress. Yes, we are wound a bit tight;)

  2. I think I’ll camp with Nathan on this one. I giggle and blush way too much to think of my kids calling things by their real names. I’ll bet Princess will look back on this in about 30 years and get a good laugh at daddy’s expense. Again.

  3. I can’t even say penis, let alone imagine a small girl saying it. Sheesh! And, have you tried the California Baby line? I use to suffer from the same malady, but it has never affected me at all. And, Umm..poor Nathan? Did he run out and buy a shot gun to beat the boys off?

  4. oh boy… i don’t think my hubby can handle that conversation either. i’m going to have to find a nickname for the private parts.

  5. *lollolololol* That’s hilarious! Jason would have been reacting the same exact way.

  6. I’m not a fan of most slang for the “rear-end”, so I’ve always used ‘tush’ or ‘tushie’…my girls extended this to their ‘front tushie’…it works for now. On the other hand, with a baby brother, they’ve got the ‘penis’ thing down pat. Hubby’s not a fan.
    Pax, EJT

  7. Oh this is SO FUNNY!! In my house boys have “tee tees” and that differs from girls cause girls don’t have a tee tee. There’s no talk of a girl having something else. You have a tee tee or you have nothing.
    I did perk up this weekend when for the first time my 6 year old said something about his balls. That is one we have never used – he got that from school. I looked pointedly at his father who shrugged and said, “It’s just boy talk.”

    Good grief.

  8. I’m laughing so hard right now!! Your poor Husband. *giggles*

    and I just noticed that we share the same first name just spelled differently. I have an extra A in mine πŸ™‚

  9. Poor Nathan! I think my hubby will be the same way with our daughter. He has already said more than once that she won’t be dating until she’s 30!

  10. Oh my Rachel, that is SO funny!

    With just boys, we have plenty of penis talk, but we haven’t gotten to the V-word yet… Thank goodness. Even though the boys know the right name, they still usually call it “junk” or “weenie”. Go figure. I don’t care what they call it, I just wish I could get them to keep their hands off it…

  11. Rachel, I am crying over here.. this is hysterical.. I can only imagine the look on his face.

  12. eeeeheeheehee!

    My husband would DIE with that conversation. We have a couple of years before Miss Emily starts talking about her vagina, but it’s going to be AWESOME to watch Honey squirm πŸ™‚

  13. So refreshing to hear another mommy use the anatomically correct words for boys and girls “parts”. I do it too – though I’ll admit I do giggle when my 3 year old loudly announces that her underwear is stuck in her vagina.

  14. We use the expressions Tally Ho and Weedy Wacker here.

    Okay… so kidding there!! lmbo

    No, we use the real words too!

  15. ROFL! Poor dad. I think my hubby is the same way. Actually, I know my hubby is. I don’t think in the 6 years I’ve known him has he even said “penis”..ever!

  16. Bwahahaha!! I coulndn’t even imagine what my hubs would do. We haven’t really started using any words for privates, yet. We just say “bottom’ and that covers it.

  17. My husband and I decided to teach our children the correct names for the private parts as well, and although there have been several occasions where I almost wished I HADN’T (because of the conversations that would tend to pop up from time to time), it’s been the right choice for us. I don’t want my children feeling embarrassed of their bodies by giving their parts silly names, and it’s nice hear other people are on the same boat as me!

    HILARIOUS story, and I truly wish I could have seen his face first-hand during that conversation!! I’m laughing enough at the mental image; the real deal would probably make me pee my pants!

  18. Oh I so feel for your husband. As the father of a two-year old girl – and she will always stay two, I don’t know how he handled that!

    If she somehow grows beyond the age of two..I already have the lock and key ready. I don’t think I could ever handle hearing my little girl actually use the word vagina unless she’s mispronouncing the state!

    Very funny though! LOL

  19. Oh man, I can’t seem to say the words either (happy some others can’t too)–it’s always girl parts and boy part here.

  20. Oh.



    I just spit out Diet Coke all over myself from laughing too hard. You should had including a warning. πŸ˜‰

  21. Oh, my poor husband is there with Nathan. Cindy-Lu likes to run around nekkid all day and every now and then she’ll stop and look down and say “You see my ‘gina?” Yes, honey. We sure do. All. Day. Long.

  22. With only boys, we haven’t had much cause to use that “V” word. And while we taught them that they have penises (Penii?? What’s the plural on that one??), we don’t talk about it a lot, either.

    And now? If my teenager starts talking about vaginas I’d probably run my car off the road, too!

  23. I applaud you for doing this… too many adults still use cute names for body parts and it’s just plain weird.

  24. I’ll have you know, I spend 14 hours a day trying to come up with cute words for ours funny bits!

  25. LMFAO!!! Oh that is soo much!!

    That reminds me of a story I’m going to need to share on my blog tonight…thank you *lol*

  26. Too hysterical! Love it! I totally agree with the call-it-what-it-is viewpoint.

    Would love for you to visit my new blog at I think you’ll like it!

  27. HAHAHA!
    I remember being annoyed by my parents referring to my younger brother’s unit as a “dinky”. My equipment wasn’t referred to at all. Hmmm
    When my older daughter was old enough to ask “What’s this?” I told her it was her vagina. She came home from pre-school one day and told me “Jacob’s ‘gina looks funny, it sticks out.” We haven’t had the need to mention penises since then.

  28. We’ve always used anatomically correct names for our bodies….UNTIL my kids hit middle school. Then, all that was “correct” went out the window. Now, we have vajayjays and wenuses. Some people’s kids, I swear! ang

  29. Very humorous post, I almost swallowed my tongue while reading it and drinking a hot cup of coffee! “Out of the mouths of babes” and very precious memories!

  30. Friends’ kids at about three met everyone at the door with “Do you have a penis?”

    David sent us here from Authorblog. He was right to do so.

  31. This is fantastic. At least she didn’t scream out loud at the restaurant that her vagina burned.


  32. OMG this is so funny! I laughed out loud AND had to tell my husband. At least she didn’t scream it in the restaurant! So funny.

    Over from David’s. Congrats on POTD – well deserved.

  33. FUNNY! Yes, I remember one night at dinner when our daughter, then a freshly-minted big sister, asked me, “Mommy? Does Daddy have a penis like the baby?” He nearly choked on his dinner.



  34. OMG! I am dying here. That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

    I can just picture your hubby diving out the car window, like some kind of cartoon.

    I SO have to read this to my family…

  35. You know…we’re trying to address this very topic. I always said I would only use “proper” physiological names with my kids, but the thought of hearing them say vagina and penis freaks me out now. Ugh…just another ridiculously difficult part of parenting, right?

  36. OMG. That is seriously funny. I am so glad your husband was able to control the car through such inner car turmoil…

  37. I was planning to teach them the terms in Greek. Technically correct, AND non-embarrassing for me.

    The oldest four are 19, 17, and 16 and 14…you don’t suppose it’s too late, do you?

    (Came from Cleaver Nirvana…I HAD to see what this post was all about.)

  38. LOL! I don’t have the guts to teach my girls the proper words. For them everything in that vicinity is considered their bottom.

    It’s basic anatomy. Our heads are on top, our bottoms are at the …. bottom.

  39. we knew a little girl that called it a “kitty kitty”.

    you can figure out what that was in place of…

    xo ~K

  40. Oh that’s hillarious! Aren’t they curious?

    Just two days ago, my 4 year old (out of the blue) in the car said “Mom, where’s your pee hole?”

    It led to a big conversation about how girls pee, why we don’t have a penis, why you can’t see our pee hole. Oh my.

  41. That’s it. No girls for me. And if I do? The word I will teach them is “BBQ grill.” I can handle “Mom, does your BBQ grill burn?” But that’s as far as I can go.

  42. Okay, this may be TMI (since we are just meeting here), but I’ve always wanted to tell this story…I taught my son the proper words when he was small, too. One morning, while my husband and I were lying (naked) in bed (under the covers), 3-year-old Kyle walked in with his penis in his hand, just kind of standing there, and he says, “I don’t have a ‘gina.’ I have a penis. Only Mommy and Daddy have ‘ginas.'” It was then that we realized that he thought that a patch of hair was a vagina! Needless to say, we had to work really hard to supress our laughter. (Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!)

  43. I think I want a follow-up post where you continue the list of possible euphemisms to teach children. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one disappointed that you stopped at five.

    Do it!!

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